Category Archives: Reading and Writing

Sharing A Little Of Myself

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This morning I picked up a pamphlet that was on my bookshelf titled Expect A Miracle—-Make Miracles Hqppen by Norman Vincent Peale. It was a quick read and it gave me moments of clarity.

We so need miracles right now with what we are going through. When we think of miracles we picture big earth shattering happenings and we feel because of what we view as miracles we could never experience them in our life. Norman Vincent Peale tells us to expect miracles if we believe, when we become right within ourself. He says we should make miracles happen by believing in God, by believing in your country and by believing in ourselves.

Now you might think this is a post to tell you to pray and I think if you are a believer you probably are already doing that, but that isn’t what this is about. I am going to take a risk and share a little about our circumstances.

Facebook and online media is a great way of connecting with people and friends right now. I am always chatting with someone. We look to the posts and texts and phone calls to lift us up and they do for a short time. We all are going through a different journey right now and there is no right or wrong to what each person is feeling whether it be fear, anxiety or complete trust and peace at our situations.

As I was reading I realized that we are always looking outside ourselves in the loud world to make us feel better about our situation. We are with ourselves 24/7. Maybe the pamphlet was right. I need to be right within myself to find any kind of peace and to do that I have to shut out the world for me to find that peace, even if it is for a few hours. Maybe peace just comes from acceptance of our situation. I haven’t quite totally learned that yet but sheltering at home is the perfect time to look inside ourselves for answers.

Last year was a tough year. There were many doctor’s appointments for my husband. His short term memory is very sketchy. It happened a couple of years ago during the summer. We have done many tests. It will not come back and they don’t have an answer for us. It may be an injury, a light stroke or Alzheimer’s. It doesn’t seem to have gotten much worse but the frustration is hard on both of us. Our patience with one another is not always there.

The biggest problem is dates and times for appointments. It makes him anxious he doesn’t remember them and doesn’t want to miss anything. He does remember most things but occasionally conversations slip by him and some of it has to do with his hearing when he is not wearing his hearing aides. It is not his fault. We don’t talk about it with people except our closest friends because there seems to be a stigma out there about automatically assuming it is dementia or Alzheimer’s and it could be, but we don’t want to be treated differently. But…here is my reasoning. It is like the elephant in the room and everyone knows but doesn’t want to say anything, and so the silence builds. There seems to be shame and stigma attached to the person, which makes them feel worse. I am outing us in the hopes that if you are going through the same thing you can find some peace in the situation.

Part of the reason last year was so difficult was me and my lack of acceptance of what is. There was a part of me that said, “It is just a husband ignoring what his wife is saying.” This year has been much better for both of us. This is our life. We have a good life and I accept I may be asked the date and a few other things over and over again. There is peace in the acceptance.

We aren’t strangers to this, going thorough it with my mother, his mother, and my brother-in-law and his sister. We have experience with this and should be old hands at it. However we are human, and we are married, and we are now in our house 24/7 together during this pandemic.

I have been pushing to move because there are other health issues at play such as a bad back, which makes it difficult to do our own repairs and upkeep anymore and the finances are not there to hire someone. Being closer to our children would make it easier for them to help us. We were almost at the decision and then the virus struck. Acceptance. This is where we are. This is where we live and we are blessed to still be here in our home and with our small communities of caring people. Acceptance that is this is where we need to stay, at least for the near future.

Yes, I still get very anxious because of what is happening in our world. I have to pray and meditate and calm myself down, but I do like to sit in the silence in the morning and pray and be with myself to become right with myself. If I am not, then even the positives on the media are overwhelming to me. We need the support of our friends but we need the miracle of ourselves. Yes, we are a miracle. God made us each differently. Each of our lives are different. Our feelings are different. We can’t be like someone else. We shouldn’t want to be.

Accepting our life as it is, the good, the bad, the ugly is hard. It is hard to sit in the silence with ourselves. I need to remember and believe I am never alone in the silence and that God is with me whatever my circumstance. I also need to accept that every day I might fail in some way with acceptance. I might not have the patience to answer the same questions or I may get upset when I am interrupted while I am in the midst of a project to explain something. I have to accept I will fail and then maybe I won’t melt down. I also have to remember how frustrating it is for him.

I can only give you what I feel in the moment. That is all we all can do because it is the moments that shape our lives. Maybe that is all we are meant to do, live moment to moment.

I leave you with the last line from the pamphlet by Norman Vincent Peale.

“Always remember you are packed full of potential miracles put there by the One who knows you better than anyone-the good God, the Creator who made you.”

Any my words. “Know thyself.” Be safe in this uncertain time and remember each person’s journey with the virus is different, so have patience. We will get through this together.

Back to the 50s

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As I sit here and contemplate all that is going on in our world today I am reminded of growing up in the 50s.

Our world has come to a standstill. Now that I am over the initial panic my thoughts are somewhat rational unless I listen and watch social media and the news 24/7.

I woke up this morning with the thought that for my husband and I there is no place to go. We have been grounded by our kids. There is no shopping, no restaurants to visit with our friends, no coffee hours etc. I don’t have to worry about work and so I took some time to try and put things into perspective. My main thought was all our lives are about to change. Most of us are not used to going without. We are used to fast access. We are used to having food readily available or taking a day out and away to somewhere fun such as sporting events etc. We are used to having the money to be able to buy what we want when we want it. Our kids are on an endless journey of sports and activities and are rarely home.

This morning I was reminded of my childhood. I told my teenage Granddaughter she was lucky she could at least keep in touch with her friends on social media where if it were in the days when I was a teen we wouldn’t have had that available.

I feel like today is a Sunday in the 1950s. Nothing was open. Stores were closed and life stopped. We didn’t worry about food because there was plenty of jars of canned meat in the cellar and fruits and vegetables too. If we needed eggs we went to the chicken coop or someone would come in from the country and sell us their eggs.

Every week the milkman came and we bought our milk and dairy from him. Groceries could be bought and delivered if needed. And of course at my house we had pretty much every thing we needed if something would happen, because my parents lived through the depression and that lesson never left them. People lived simply.

We read books and played outside or in the evenings talked with our neighbors. We kids were also kept busy helping in the garden or with the chores and yes, there were still things to do in winter. I lost all those simple pleasures and thankfulness with having those experiences living in the busyness of today.

I realize what we are facing now is different. People will be hurting because of lost businesses and lost jobs. Our younger people have never known this or a recession and it is very tough to get through. But I know we have generations behind us oldies that are strong and will figure it out. I have faith in them that they will emerge stronger.

I am reminded that there are people in our country that live with these fears every day and now I imagine they are living with the fear of not having access to a health system to help those without insurance or a safe place to self quarantine. Yet we have been fighting tooth and nail to not make these things available to them before this happened. Maybe we actually have been made to now walk in their shoes. I can’t imagine living with this fear daily. The response of most of us who could afford it is to stock up and hoard because of our fear we are not going to have enough. We need to count our blessings that we could afford to do that.

My hope is that the lessons we learn from this pandemic and how we cope as Americans are remembered. There are some positives. We are coming together helping one another. We are not divided in this but uniting to get through these times. Maybe life will slow down and we will be kinder and more caring to one another and realize that we are more the same than different.

There is an old Bible School song that says it best.

Reach out to your neighbor

Reach out to your friend.

Reach out to the people on the street.

For those of us that are grounded by our kids we can still reach out by phone, text, FaceTime and positive messages to keep up our spirit. It is hard to stay positive but together we can do it. Support your local businesses. They will need us now more than ever and so will those whose jobs are in jeopardy.

There is also the fear of getting sick. It is gut wrenching fear. We look into the future of the next few weeks and we panic not knowing the future. Do we ever? But today, what about today? Can we stay in the moment? Today I am fine. This moment I am fine. I, as much as anyone panic if I let myself think about the time frame and the people that are sick. But today I am fine, my loved ones are fine. I am going to try and go moment by moment, day by day, which is what Alcoholics Anonymous asks of us. And though tomorrow may be different, it may not be. If it is I trust we will work together to get through it and help each other with our panic and fear.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

A Yearning For My Front Steps

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This morning I have an inexplicable yearning to go outside and sit on my front steps and breathe in life.

It is the appearance of the sun in what has been a cold and bleak and cloudy Minnesota which brings to mind spring and thoughts of flowers and warm weather. However, I can’t explain my feeling that I need a front step sit. I have a perfectly good outside porch to enjoy but something in me tells me I need steps.

Though the sun is shining today my front steps and porch are crusted with ice. It is still winter and there is still snow on the ground. I like the beauty of winter as long as I don’t have to haul my old body outside. The pull is real to feel the fresh air on my face so I may dash out, raise my face to the sun and dash back inside to the warmth of my fireplace. Still, I feel the call of the front steps or the back steps for a peaceful sit.

Outdoor furniture awaits my porch sitting so why would I abandon that in place of the front steps? I think it has to do with my past and memories.

Living at my grandmothers and then when my family moved, we didn’t have fancy outdoor furniture. We would go outside and sit on the steps and talk and enjoy the evening. The front steps were better than the back steps because you could chat with those passing by or you could wave at the cars going by. Occasionally they would stop and talk.

There were interesting views. At my grandmother’s house I sat on the front steps and watched the trains go by or watched the animals. My mom or uncles would come in from the chores or the garden and we would talk for hours on the front steps. At our house my dad would sit with me as we watched the neighbor kids play or visited with those in the neighborhood, sometimes calling across the street. There were no cell phones or outdoor phones to distract us.

I do sit on my front concrete steps occasionally in this day and age for a quick moment when I am shaking out a rug or waiting for someone to pick me up, but most of the time I sit on my comfy chair on my outdoor porch or my patio. I have to say that for some reason it isn’t the same. Perhaps because of the front step memories.

I have no good explanation for yearning for my front steps unless it is perhaps missing those that used to share my experience. I also shared many front step conversations with my best girlfriends. If those steps could talk they would reveal so much about the past lives of the step sitters.

Perhaps when the ice is gone I will forgo my porch and patio for an occasional step sitting. I have a feeling it will be a good way to breathe and appreciate the simple life of the past,

“A journey to a thousand miles begins with one step.” –John F.Kennedy