Sharing A Little Of Myself

This morning I picked up a pamphlet that was on my bookshelf titled Expect A Miracle—-Make Miracles Hqppen by Norman Vincent Peale. It was a quick read and it gave me moments of clarity.

We so need miracles right now with what we are going through. When we think of miracles we picture big earth shattering happenings and we feel because of what we view as miracles we could never experience them in our life. Norman Vincent Peale tells us to expect miracles if we believe, when we become right within ourself. He says we should make miracles happen by believing in God, by believing in your country and by believing in ourselves.

Now you might think this is a post to tell you to pray and I think if you are a believer you probably are already doing that, but that isn’t what this is about. I am going to take a risk and share a little about our circumstances.

Facebook and online media is a great way of connecting with people and friends right now. I am always chatting with someone. We look to the posts and texts and phone calls to lift us up and they do for a short time. We all are going through a different journey right now and there is no right or wrong to what each person is feeling whether it be fear, anxiety or complete trust and peace at our situations.

As I was reading I realized that we are always looking outside ourselves in the loud world to make us feel better about our situation. We are with ourselves 24/7. Maybe the pamphlet was right. I need to be right within myself to find any kind of peace and to do that I have to shut out the world for me to find that peace, even if it is for a few hours. Maybe peace just comes from acceptance of our situation. I haven’t quite totally learned that yet but sheltering at home is the perfect time to look inside ourselves for answers.

Last year was a tough year. There were many doctor’s appointments for my husband. His short term memory is very sketchy. It happened a couple of years ago during the summer. We have done many tests. It will not come back and they don’t have an answer for us. It may be an injury, a light stroke or Alzheimer’s. It doesn’t seem to have gotten much worse but the frustration is hard on both of us. Our patience with one another is not always there.

The biggest problem is dates and times for appointments. It makes him anxious he doesn’t remember them and doesn’t want to miss anything. He does remember most things but occasionally conversations slip by him and some of it has to do with his hearing when he is not wearing his hearing aides. It is not his fault. We don’t talk about it with people except our closest friends because there seems to be a stigma out there about automatically assuming it is dementia or Alzheimer’s and it could be, but we don’t want to be treated differently. But…here is my reasoning. It is like the elephant in the room and everyone knows but doesn’t want to say anything, and so the silence builds. There seems to be shame and stigma attached to the person, which makes them feel worse. I am outing us in the hopes that if you are going through the same thing you can find some peace in the situation.

Part of the reason last year was so difficult was me and my lack of acceptance of what is. There was a part of me that said, “It is just a husband ignoring what his wife is saying.” This year has been much better for both of us. This is our life. We have a good life and I accept I may be asked the date and a few other things over and over again. There is peace in the acceptance.

We aren’t strangers to this, going thorough it with my mother, his mother, and my brother-in-law and his sister. We have experience with this and should be old hands at it. However we are human, and we are married, and we are now in our house 24/7 together during this pandemic.

I have been pushing to move because there are other health issues at play such as a bad back, which makes it difficult to do our own repairs and upkeep anymore and the finances are not there to hire someone. Being closer to our children would make it easier for them to help us. We were almost at the decision and then the virus struck. Acceptance. This is where we are. This is where we live and we are blessed to still be here in our home and with our small communities of caring people. Acceptance that is this is where we need to stay, at least for the near future.

Yes, I still get very anxious because of what is happening in our world. I have to pray and meditate and calm myself down, but I do like to sit in the silence in the morning and pray and be with myself to become right with myself. If I am not, then even the positives on the media are overwhelming to me. We need the support of our friends but we need the miracle of ourselves. Yes, we are a miracle. God made us each differently. Each of our lives are different. Our feelings are different. We can’t be like someone else. We shouldn’t want to be.

Accepting our life as it is, the good, the bad, the ugly is hard. It is hard to sit in the silence with ourselves. I need to remember and believe I am never alone in the silence and that God is with me whatever my circumstance. I also need to accept that every day I might fail in some way with acceptance. I might not have the patience to answer the same questions or I may get upset when I am interrupted while I am in the midst of a project to explain something. I have to accept I will fail and then maybe I won’t melt down. I also have to remember how frustrating it is for him.

I can only give you what I feel in the moment. That is all we all can do because it is the moments that shape our lives. Maybe that is all we are meant to do, live moment to moment.

I leave you with the last line from the pamphlet by Norman Vincent Peale.

“Always remember you are packed full of potential miracles put there by the One who knows you better than anyone-the good God, the Creator who made you.”

Any my words. “Know thyself.” Be safe in this uncertain time and remember each person’s journey with the virus is different, so have patience. We will get through this together.

2 thoughts on “Sharing A Little Of Myself

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