Tag Archives: relationships

Sunday Musings On Monday

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My mind is wandering today. It is pieced. I’ve been working on the cover of my new book coming out soon. Visit my website JulieSeedorf.com if you want to know more. While I write, occasionally I think of other things, and thoughts of my week interrupted the creativity. The week was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Isn’t that what our life is about most of the time, only we don’t take the time to be thankful for the mixture. We want our life to be smooth sailing. No ripples to mix it up. That never happens. Why do we expect it?

I went to a funeral of a friend this week. I’ve known her for two years. She was sixty-years old, smart, funny, kind, loving and brave. She’s had cancer for as long as I’ve known her. I saw her at her lowest low, and her highest high when she experienced remission for a short time. Through it all she never complained, always lifting others up, and was a devoted mom and friend. If you met her you might have thought she had an easy life. I knew better as she shared life’s experiences with me, but at her funeral, listening to her daughter speak, I was surprised at the early hardships she didn’t share.

My friend, was a migrant, coming to this country when she was a child. She worked in the fields in Texas and California, starting when she was nine years old. They were twelve hours days, seven days a week. Her husband died in an accident when her children were small. There was no money and no life insurance, or help back then from Social Security, and she wouldn’t have qualified if there was until she became a citizen, which eventually she did. I suspect it wasn’t as hard to become a citizen back then as it is now. Life threw her and her children many hard knocks, yet she wasn’t bitter.

As I listened to her daughter speak, I thought back to the age I would have been when my friend was nine. I was twelve-years-old and hanging with my friends, going to concerts and leading a care-free life. At nine, her age, I was playing with Barbie dolls and very innocent about the world. I thought about my kids and what they were doing at that age and I counted my blessings, but yet I was appalled that we in the United States, back then, let child labor happen. Not only did I grieve my friend, but I grieved the way she had to navigate her childhood. I have been insulated in my life from what those of other cultures go through in my country, and in their home country. My friend’s family came here to give them a better life from violence and poverty. Would I have done the same with my children? I would like to say I would, but I don’t think I had the courage that my friend and her parents had to break through the barriers.

I never gave a thought to the people that drove up to Minnesota from Mexico and down south, that worked in our fields and in our canning factories. We needed them because there were not enough workers to fill the shifts. They became a part of our community for a few months, yet, they were not part of our community because they kept themselves separate from us. Probably because they would not be accepted, possibly out of fear of the unknown of another culture invading our space that we weren’t familiar with.

This is not a political post. It’s a post about that which we fear, the unknown of those that are different because we may not know someone of a different culture or…we may not know their history. We don’t take the time to listen and hear their past, and what is driving them to their future. I have been thrust out of my small town roots into a mix of different experiences and different cultures since I moved, and am learning more everyday about others and myself and the misconceptions I’ve had. Because I either didn’t know better, or didn’t take the time to go beyond my tiny little world except to judge that which I had no experience in. There is an enormous amount for me to still learn about the diversity of the world today.

I feel blessed to have known this woman and learn about her Mexican heritage. She was proud of her roots and made sure her children are too. We as her friends were given a small understanding of her rich culture, as she shared it with us with pride. Though she hadn’t much money, I would call her rich, and she felt that way because of where she came from. To her wealth was family, friends and faith. . A faith that never waivered during her journey. All of us are richer too because we knew her. Rest in peace. We will never forget your quiet lessons.

Can Hope Survive Disappointment?

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My column published week of January 9, 2017 in the Albert Lea Tribune and Courier-Sentinelperception.

If you hear something often enough and it is repeated time and time again and you listen, you might internalize and believe what is being said, whether it is true or not.

A young girl is called an ugly duckling over and over again. She grows into a beautiful swan, but because she has always been told she is an ugly duckling she still sees herself as that duckling in later years.

A young boy is told he is a failure at sports even though he hasn’t developed his talent, and as he grows and becomes a teenager he doesn’t try out for sports because he believes he is not good enough.

A wife or a husband is told over and over and over again they don’t deserve love. They aren’t contributing to a family or they are not a good person and they believe the way they are treated is because they don’t measure up and don’t deserve better.

Someone repeatedly hears many times a day that politicians are crooked and corrupt, but they don’t look for the facts and because of the fabrications they believe what is said.

Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” But we don’t. We see it every day in our friendships, in our marriages, in our businesses and in politics. Our excuse for not believing when a person shows us their true character is to give them another chance, we know people can change. 

There is also the question: Does a leopard change its spots? Can we apply that to life? We hope whoever it is that is telling that young girl she is an ugly duckling or convincing the teenage boy he doesn’t measure up, or the husband or wife who verbally assaults their spouse or the business owner who convinces us his product can’t be defective because it is our mistake or the politician who is corrupt and lies, sees their mistakes and will become a better, more honest and kinder person. We hope they change their spots, and they may do so for a little while to further their agenda.

There are people who have changed their behaviors toward others — but not until they have done the work to understand why they need to condescend and lie and behave the way they do. They must have an honest willingness to treat others better and become a person of integrity.

If you have ever been in one of these situations or in something else similar, did that person show you who they were, but you chose to see something different even though the facts and the words were staring you right in the face? Where does our eternal hope come from that the leopard will change their spots, keeping us believing in them despite what they have demonstrated to us.

Maybe the reason we can’t accept the life we live is because we would have to own our choices. Was the politician we voted in a mistake, and if it was, what does that say about us as a person? What about other decisions we made, were we blind? Does that make us weak? Does that mean we have bad judgment and are a failure? Maybe we don’t want to face ourselves and the fact we have accepted less in any part of our lives, so we can’t see the true reality of the situation.

I am pondering this today because I tossed out the word narcissistic on my Facebook page to see what would happen. My post said, “Narcissistic. That all I have to say for today in this post or I’d be toast.” The responses were interesting all the way from “I totally understand,” to “upcoming administration.” The definition of narcissistic is to have an excessive interest in oneself and one’s physical appearance. Exaggerated feelings of self-importance.

That brought me to thoughts of the things I have seen blasted on the news lately about people and politics. It brought me to the thoughts of those who make others feel less than human because of narcissistic feelings about themselves. What they say, behave and act toward others says more about how they feel about themselves than the person or situation they are targeting. And it still comes back to hope. In the midst of the fear, sorrow, and feelings of desolation, hope still springs eternal that relationships can be mended, business opportunities can be fruitful and honest, and our government will survive.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” — Desmond Tutu

Families Feud

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I have been thinking about families today. I have especially been thinking about families that are estranged from one another.

It makes me very sad when I see relationships broken up because of misunderstandings. I once knew a brother and sister in their middle adult years become enemies.  They started feuding because of money and homes being left to one and not to all. I do not know who was right or wrong in this case. Many years passed and the feud continued. Children of these adults were not allowed to have any relationship with their cousins. Family events came and went without these people and families being part of each others lives. Soon the brother was on his deathbed. He asked to see his sister. At that moment it didn’t matter who was right or wrong. It didn’t matter what was left to who. All that mattered was that it was time for healing.

The brother died and those cousins, the man.s great nephews that never knew him were the pall bearers.The sister wept about all those lost years. She couldn’t go back. The relationship was mended at the end but there wasn’t enough time left to create new memories.

Relationships are never easy. Forgiveness is never easy. We are a proud people. We always hurt those we love the most.  Why am I writing this? Another family I know is suffering from estrangement. Soon it may be too late.

Perhaps I am so passionate about this subject because I have no siblings to feud with. Of course I can’t understand the sibling relationship but what I want to say is that a solo life without your siblings is a lonely life.

Who else is there in this world besides your parents  that has shared your life since your birth? Who else shares your genes and your history? Who else resembles your parents so closely?.Who else could share the sibling rivalry?You may not always like your family but there is love possibly deeply buried in the heart.

I have heard the words “I have no regrets if I never make up with my family, with my mother, with my brothers and with my sisters.” I say to you: perhaps you don’t know yourself as well as you think and someday those words will be flung into space in sorrow.

When we cease to exist in this world all that will be left will be those feelings we leave behind. We may think the material things of this world that we leave those we love are all important but they aren’t. They can’t take it with them anymore than we can take our earthly riches with us. What we can take is the love of those we left behind and leave those we left behind our love.

We might not know it but under the non existant feelings we think we don’t have,  that love  is there somewhere hidden in our heart. It is hidden by our pride, our need to be right, and our selfishness. We all have those feelings. It is ok to feel what we are feeling but ask yourself when the end is near will you like the brother and sister in the story regret not forgiving each other sooner?

Time is all we have until we don’t.