Tag Archives: Mom

What If?

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My life has had many changes over the last year. If you would ask me I would say dramatically, but then I do add drama to things that maybe because of my reactive personality get blown out of proportion.

As my journey again changes I contemplate the word purpose. The last few years my purpose, whether I chose it or not was somewhat of a caretaker. It consumed my life, at least in my mind, and now I find myself a little lost.

The world has told us we need to have a purpose. Once I was told it was my purpose in life to bring my mother-in-law out of the nursing home into my home to take care of her. That one I knew was not my calling, though I did believe I needed to help to do everything to make her life better. I was able to discern what to choose for her and me as a good choice.

As I sit with my coffee and think about purpose and the future, I wonder what if … the way the world challenges people to have a purpose in life, perhaps makes finding our purpose more important than it should be. We tend to worry if we don’t see or feel we have one, which then causes us anxiety. The quest to find meaning, to make a difference, often causes anguish in someone’s life because we define the word as doing a great service that others recognize. It makes us feel less than because we don’t feel we measure up to the definition of others, and what the world expects. We see high profile people shouting out what their purpose is, and telling us we need to find ours. If we’re not doing that than we are failing.

What if…we defined our purpose as just being. Not doing anything earth shattering or great in the world’s and society’s eyes, but just breathing and living?

Immediately when a baby is born we put our hopes and dreams of their future upon them. Babies and children revel in just being. They are spontaneous with their laughter, their tears and their innocence until they get out into the world. They feel our stress. We pass that down to them. They grow and they learn from us. But at the beginning their purpose is just to be. To eat and sleep and laugh and cry, to be loved and to accept that love. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel that again?

We strive so hard to matter and to be remembered yet…if I think about those in my life that left their influence on me, it’s not the Robert Redford’s or the John F. Kennedy’s or anyone in the news. It’s the quiet ones. The people I am close to. Someone who has entered my life as a friend. It’s family members or those I’ve had contact with that live their lives being real and reaching out as a friend. They don’t hold high offices. They aren’t great speakers or writers. They haven’t won tons of awards or are famous. They are regular everyday people living their lives the best they know how, at work or at home and in the community.

Purpose. As I find my life changing again I am going to change what I believe about my purpose in life. I think I want to just be…a mom, a grandmother, a friend first and foremost, and see where that leads.

Sitting here floundering in the quietness of wondering what is next, I am going to hold on to this quote by Charles M Schulz

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?

Charles M. Schulz

And this Bible verse:

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Caring For Mom

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A lovely lady died last week. Her name was Kitty and she was a mom, grandmother, and great grandmother.

I met Kitty through her daughter many, many years ago. It is this daughter and her family that triggered this subject on my blog today. It was the devotion of this family that garners my respect. They kept their mother in her home through difficult circumstances until her death last week.

Kitty always had a smile and a kind word for everyone. Her devotion to her family was undeniable. She leaves a legacy of two daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, all of whom were by her side at her last hours even though some had to travel a distance to be there.

When Kitty’s health began to fail her oldest daughter left her life to move in with her mother to take care of her. She was there 24/7, only taking a few days here and there to go back to her home. There is another silent hero in this and that is my friend’s partner of 30 some years who supported her actions. This wasn’t just for a few short weeks but for a few years. The entire family rallied around Kitty to keep her happy, comfortable and in her home even as some confusion set in. It was not an easy task but their love for their mother fueled the decision.

Today I would like to honor this family with my words of respect and awe in the way they handled this difficult time in their lives. They honored a woman who gave them life, and they gave her life with their time until God chose to take her home.

Having lived in a household where my mother took care of her ailing mother I know the sacrifices that are made. The same thing happened in my husband’s family when they took care of his elderly grandparents with dementia. There are nights of no sleep, patience stretched slim and household chores, plus heavy lifting when loved ones can no longer carry their own weight when moving even a few steps.

The hard but easy choice for this family might have been a nursing home. Many of us make that decision and it might be the right choice for our loved ones or for ourselves. Each of us knows our limits and what we can or cannot do. We shouldn’t let anyone tell us the choice we make is wrong. We know ourselves and our family the best. Kitty’s family felt home was what they wanted for her.

Today our culture has the benefits of utilizing places that care for our elderly. Our parents and grandparents are cared for with staff who know how to navigate the road of old age. My mother and mother-in-law lived in these care facilities. I did not have the stamina to bring them into my home full time. That is why I  admire families that make a commitment to those they love.

Before nursing homes and assisted living the young took care of the old. They took parents into their homes and blended them into their life. Growing up I didn’t give it a thought that we lived with my grandmother, or that my uncles lived with my other grandmother. I just thought it was the way it was. I had other relatives whose grandparents lived with them too.

We all have different journeys. We all make different choices that are right for us and those we love. It is your journey and you will know what is best for you.

There are many studies that prove the elderly love longer with strong family connections. In other cultures, it is not unusual for grandma and grandpa to live with their families. According to the Blue Zones by Dan Buettner, grandparents who look after their grandchildren have a lower risk of death. Mixing the young and old is healthy and this appeared to be true in Kitty’s case with her last smiles an indication that she felt loved with her family by her side.

Kitty you will be missed.

Mother’s Day Musings

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Sunday is Mother’s Day. Advertisements for Mother’s Day gifts are peppering my social media feeds and filling up the inboxes of my email. I have a feeling of loss as I read the ads, as I am sure so many others do because our mothers are no longer with us.

It is another holiday celebrated, but which brings mixed feelings for many mothers and children out there. This year I will admit, holidays have been hard for me. Life is very different than I expected it would be. I do not know why we have this fairy tale idea of life, because in reality, life is messy. Relationships are messy, especially with families. It isn’t always a Hallmark moment. That is what makes Mother’s Day and families so special because they persevere together through the muck of life, held together by love, even though it isn’t always front and center but hidden, ready to come out at unexpected moments

In the 52 years, I had my mother,  I never missed a Mother’s Day with my mother. I might not always have been able to spend the entire day but I always made sure I visited her at some point in the day. I always made sure I gave her a gift whether it, large or small. It wasn’t a chore, it was something from the heart I wanted to do. We didn’t always have a great relationship and didn’t communicate things to each other in a positive way but the love never died.  I miss spending Mother’s Day with my mother.

I think my parents taught me Mother’s Day was a day to take the time to spend with the person who loved me and raised me. My dad, my mom and I always visited my dad’s mom on Mother’s Day. She only lived until I was six but that is one thing I remember. My mom’s mom lived with us, but my mom always made it a special day for her and my dad made sure we did that for my mom too. It was a celebration. It was a day for families to take time to be together.

It is 2019 and families are spread out far and wide. Many moms will spend the day alone because of various reasons. I will be one of those. Life is busy for families and getting together isn’t always an option. Some will be spending Mother’s Day alone because children and parents have been separated because of strife and disagreements. And so this holiday might be one of those that some want to pass over and not acknowledge it is happening.

I would give anything to spend another Mother’s Day with my mom and my mom-in-law, Dorothy. I am sure there are moms who have lost a child that would give anything to see them again on Mother’s Day.

It isn’t the presents, mothers want on this day, but the presence of their children in their lives, whether it be a phone call every week or a visit. The love of a mother never goes away.

I will visit my mother this Sunday at her grave. And then I might take myself to a movie and laugh a little. I will celebrate being a mother because I have three successful, healthy children. So if you are alone on this day, treat yourself. Take time to remember those who are no longer with us and then take the time to celebrate you because you deserve it.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom.

My family
My Mom’s mother
My mom, my daughter and me
My dad’s mom and me
My mother-in-law